The things we do
by Gagaloo
Summary: **Rated M for Now ** Though it's not bad yet . After trying so many times to have a baby but failing , will this time be different ? or will they fail again and end up making choices they will regret in the future ? .
1. Bleeding

It was a clear blue Manhattan day when I was sitting at the breakfast table with my four months pregnant wife when it hit me. We were actually going to have this baby. Blair had been pregnant before but with her history of Bulimia and my reckless drinking we had been unable to produce a baby and keep it. We had failed. Four times to be exact but Blair being the determined lady she is wanted to keep trying though each time we failed it hurt more than double the last. Though it was going to be different this time. I could feel it in my bones. I had even had a dream about our child last night. I glanced across the table. Her brown locks were pulled back into a neat ponytail, the purple dress I had recently bought her while away on business complimented her baby bump perfectly and her deep chocolate eyes glistened as she cut her pancakes. When she noticed I was starring at her, she smiled and my heart skipped a beat. I decided to break the overwhelming silence that was building up and allowing me to think too much. "You look lovely today, sweet heart" "So do you, Chuck" she said pleased as she arose from her seat, carrying her plate into the kitchen and putting it into the sink. I slid out of my chair and crept up behind her. Twirling her around and into my arms, I pressed my hand against her stomach as our lips met for a quick second. Taking in her beautiful scent and dreading what I was going to have to do in a mere 3 seconds. I felt the baby kick and it sent a jolt of joy throughout my body. We'd never made it this far before, we'd lost our other children before it was even possible to feel their touch. Though this mad me very happy it also made me angry, knowing that there was the chance that this would never happen again. I reluctantly pulled away from Blair. "I've got to go to work" I told her as I kissed the top of her perfect little head. "Have you got any plans for today?" I asked as I put my coat on."Yes I do" She responded while twirling her hair. I could sense she wanted me to stay home and be with her but I couldn't I had a business to run. "I'm going shopping with Serena and then we will probably grab some lunch" she added. "Enjoy it" I said as I rushed into the elevator.

* * *

My best friend, Serena Van Der Woodsen and I were walking down 6th avenue, shopping bags in hand. We were on our way to our favorite little bistro, La Siren. " I'm so hungry , I feel like I'm disintegrating to nothing" Serena giggled exuberantly , swinging her long tan arms into the air and making her messy blonde hair whip in the wind . I straightened my jacket. "Well, I'm not really that hungry but I do want something covered in chocolate" I announced as Serena continued to laugh and opened the door for me. Inside Le Siren smelt like a mixture of melted chocolate and seafood .Most would find it a rather repulsive scent but I find it quite comforting seeing as Serena and I had been coming here since we were 13 . We both finished our platters very quickly, one thing I didn't enjoy about being pregnant, the constant hunger. A tall blonde waiter walked over and sat our desserts in front of us. "I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow, Serena" I said as I dug into my ice-cream. "My doctor says that we should be able to tell the gender". "Awesome! I'm so happy for you, B" Serena exclaimed reaching out and placing her hand on mine. She looked down at her ice-cream and said "Is Chuck going with you?" her eyes met mine for a split second, making her face red. I stiffened. "Um, probably not, you how he is with hospitals" I said sounding depressed. "But you know it's ok, cause he will be there when it counts, which is when I deliver the baby, hopefully"

* * *

Work had been painful. All I could think of was Blair, our child and our life together. I took a look at my watch, 10 pm. hopefully Blair hasn't gone to bed yet, I do enjoy helping her get ready for bed. The smell of her new strawberry shampoo weaved through the air in our penthouse. She had probably just gotten out of the tub. I ran up stairs, hoping that she hadn't already gone to sleep. I was just in time; she was sitting at the end of the bed combing her hair. I dropped my briefcase and flung my jacket on the floor. I glided over to her, pulling her up and into my arms. "I missed you" I told her while kissing her lightly on the cheek. "And I missed you" I bent down and kissed her stomach. She giggled and placed her hands on both sides of my face. Pulling me in for a long kiss, she tasted sweet but minty at the same time from her toothpaste. After a few moments of bliss, I pulled away. Leading her to her side of the bed where I tucked her in and kissed her goodnight. I had the dream again. The dream about our child, there she was in vivid colors. She looked about three years of age. She has little brown locks that came to her shoulders, big deep brown eyes and porcelain skin. She was breathtaking and would probably never know how much I loved her and what I would do to protect her, just like her mother. All of a sudden I felt sick to my stomach; I jolted out of my sleep and sat up straight. I peeped at the clock, 3:00 am. I looked down at Blair, she was peacefully sleeping away. I was just about lay back down and go to sleep when I realized my hands were wet. I jumped out of bed and pulled the blankets off Blair and the rest of the bed. "Uh Blair, wake up!" I screamed. This couldn't be happening. The bed was basically drenched in a thick red substance. Blair was bleeding.


	2. Maybe we should just stop

I sat in a waiting room all by myself. Fidgeting and starring at the white wall in front of me. I could feel my temples throbbing, I desperately wanted to wait and see if Blair was ok though I was pretty sure I knew what the outcome was going to be but I couldn't take it anymore. I had to get out of there. When I stood up and walked towards the room Blair was in , instead of seeing my wife of 3 years , I saw my dad shaking his head as if to say that he was disappointed that I wasn't man enough to at least make a baby. I shut my eyes and shook my head, opening my eyes again I saw Blair sitting there looking depressed. I stumbled backwards feeling sick to my stomach and headed towards the door.

* * *

By the time I was allowed to leave the hospital Chuck was nowhere to be found. Most girls would be pretty mad if their husbands weren't there but I knew how tough it is for Chuck to be in any kind of hospital, I understood. Knowing him he was probably sitting at the hotel bar, trying to calm his nerves so that's where I headed.

Walking into the packed hotel, he was the first one I saw. Sitting at the bar, scotch in hand, looking like a beautiful mess. I sighed walking up to him and sitting on the stool between him and a lady who looked to be in her forties. I bit my lip as I looked up at him. You would think after all this time, it would be easier to admit our failure but it wasn't. It crushed me inside, breaking my heart into a million pieces like a mirror.

"Can I get you anything, Mrs. Bass?" asked Tom, the bartender.

"No, I'm fine" I lied. Chuck turned and looked at me, his eyes looked defeated and empty. With that sad look from Chuck, my face began to heat up and big fat tears rolled down my face. "Actually, I'll have a martini" I said so low that it was almost a whisper but Tom heard me and nodded.

I heard Chuck clear his throat and finish off the rest of his drink in one gulp. "I just can't figure out what we did that was so bad to make us deserve this much pain" he said taking my hand and kissing it. "Maybe we should just stop, Blair". I pulled my hand out of his.

"Wait, what?" He just looked at me and then looked at Tom who had just sat my martini down in front of me and a new scotch for Chuck. "Stop what?!" I slipped of my stool and stood up. "Calm down Blair, please sit back down" Chuck said soothingly and running his hand up and down my arm but it was too late. I was stressed enough as it was and he just drove me over the edge.

"No, I will not sit down Chuck!" I said whipping my arm away from his hand. My voice had become louder and some people began to stare but I didn't care. "Now what were you saying Chuck, we should stop?" I crossed my arms. "Stop what? Having sex? , trying to have a family, caring?" I inquired, tears falling down my face ten times faster than before. "Blair, don't cry" he pleaded. "I just..." he reached out and placed his hands on my face. "You know what? I'm tired, I think I'm going to go to bed now" I mustered, kissing him on the cheek and stomping off towards the elevator.


	3. I want my own

By the time I made my way up stairs and into bed it was around 2 am. Blair had already gone to sleep. She looked so peaceful and happy when she slept. Sadly I knew she wouldn't be so peaceful and happy tomorrow. I can understand why she got mad at me but I still believe that stopping would be the best thing to do. I can't stand seeing her in pain; it cuts through me like a knife cutting warm butter. I just hope someday she will see the situation through my eyes.

I woke up around 12 the next morning with a killer headache. I was in no mood to face the rage of Blair who was more than likely sitting down stairs patiently waiting for me like a spider waits for its meal so that she could knock some sense into me as far as she's concerned. Knowing Blair she probably rehearsed her speech in her head a thousand times by now.

I stumbled out of bed and into the shower to waste time. Once I got out, I spent a few minutes looking at myself in the mirror. My look today was not too put together; my suit was a little too big and needed to be fitted. I hadn't bothered to put on a tie so my collar was loose and my hair was wet and messy. My eyes had bags under them from my lack of sleep, I was hung over but I still felt drunk. I figured this would bother Blair so I tried to tidy up a bit. I combed my hair and put on my father's red tie.

Walking down the hallway to the kitchen I looked at some of the pictures along the wall. One was from a trip to Florida that Blair, Serena, Nate and I had taken years ago. Blair and Serena were in the water with a dolphin; Serena and Blair were both making kissy faces at the dolphin as Nate stood behind them looking confused. The second photo was one from our wedding, we looked so happy. I wish that moment could've last forever and the last picture was of Blair sitting in a chair holding Laura, her brother in law, Aaron's daughter.

As I walked into the kitchen I glanced at the clock, 1:12 pm. Blair sat at the table, eating what looked like a turkey sandwich with a glass of iced tea. I walked over to the fridge and poured myself a glass of orange juice. Without looking at me Blair said "Did you take anything for your headache? Assuming that you're hung over and it hurts like hell"

"No I didn't, you know me. I usually just rough it" I chuckled hoping it would lighten the mood in the room a bit.

"Ha" she mumbled.

"Oh come on Blair, you're not still mad at me, are you?" I asked even though I knew the answer. She stood up and turned around to face me. Her cheeks were flushed with anger.

"Of course I am still mad at you, you ass" she crossed her arms over her chest. "You tell me that you don't want to have a family with me anymore and you think I'm going to be ok with that?"

I sat my juice on the counter feeling both guilty and up set. She had clearly misunderstood me. I looked at her. "I never said that Blair, I want to have a family with you but I'm tired of going through this pain". I walked towards her, slowly reaching out and touching her arm. "We could always adopt a child, Blair".

She pulled away from me forcefully, knocking me off balance a bit. "I DON'T WANT SOMEBODY ELSES CHILD, CHUCK!!" she yelled at me, tears streaming down her face. Then in a very faint voice she said "I want my own".

I felt sick to my stomach. I tried approaching her again but she pushed me away. "I just want to be alone for a while Chuck, just please go away". I just stood there for a few seconds looking at her. At this point I honestly had no idea what to do to make her feel better. I still believe what I said before though, this was enough. I was done with going through this agonizing pain every single time we failed. I had to put a stop to this, for Blair and for me. I just didn't know how I was going to do that yet.

* * *

The idea of how I was going to stop the pain came to me around 3pm. I was sitting at the bar, giving my order for my 5th scotch to Tom. It hit me very fast and I knew I had to act now before I could let myself change my mind.

"Here you go, Mr. Bass" Tom said as he slid my scotch down across the bar to me. I nodded as I got up off my stool and gulped down the scotch. I staggered out the front doors, out into the entrance and collapsed near a tree.

I pulled out my cell phone and scrolled down the contacts until I reached Dr. Northman. I pushed enter and let it ring. A lady answered the phone in a way too happy voice that belonged on a cartoon about elves or fairies. "You've reached Doctor Northman's office , how may I help you ?" she chirped into the phone.

"Hello, this is Chuck Bass calling" I slurred. "Could you tell Dr. Northman that I need to make an appointment …now?"


	4. Cake

Hey , sorry I haven't updated in soo long . I've been pretty busy , this is just another short updated but I think it's pretty decent :) . You know what they say , good things come in small packages 3. Enjoy.

_

* * *

_I cried silently to myself as I slunk into a bath filled with bubbles and warm water. I love Chuck so much but sometimes he can be so oblivious to my feelings. I stared at a random spot on the cream colored walls. I hated that color. Its way too plain, we should've painted our bathroom something with more of a wow. Something that screamed Mrs. Blair Bass.

My stomach rumbled, I quickly ignored it and dunked my head into the water, soaking my hair. My stomach let out another rumble. I sprang out of the tub, grabbed my towel and ran down stairs to the kitchen. I opened the stainless steel fridge scanning it for something sweet, my wet hair was dripping and leaving a puddle on the floor around me but I didn't care. I spotted a plate towards the back of the fridge with half a chocolate cake on it from a brunch Chuck and I had attended a few days ago. I yanked at my towel, pulling it up and grabbing the plate.

Making my way over to the table, I ran one of my fingers through the bright blue icing that reminded me of cotton candy from a fair. The icing tasted nothing like cotton candy though, it tasted more like a pixie stick, Very sugary with a bittersweet aftertaste. It only took me about 5 minutes at the most to devour the cake.

After it was all gone I headed for the nearest bathroom. I knew I really shouldn't purge but I had to. I needed to feel in control of something; especially right at that moment when it felt like my heart was bursting through my chest and my life was crumbling apart. I flushed the toilet, leaned up against the wall and thought about what I just did. I felt bad about it already, tears started to stream down my face. I had gone almost a year without purging, I remembered Chuck and I had went out and celebrated when I passed the 6 month mark. He had been so proud, that stream of tears had now turned into a waterfall.

Usually after something like this would happen I would call Chuck and he would comfort me and made me feel beautiful like only he can , I remembered that I was mad at him and started to cried out loud . I hated this and I couldn't call Serena because she would just try to make things better between Chuck and I, which would fail. I love her and I know she means well but I just couldn't deal with her right now.

I could hear my cell phone buzzing; I reluctantly got up off the floor and ran up stairs to get it. It was my mother; I took a deep breath before answering. "Hello Mother" I said in my fake happy voice. "Good Afternoon Blair, I didn't think you were going to pick up the phone. Were you busy?"

"Um, no, I was just downstairs" I said while biting my pinky nail nervously as if she knew what I had just done and I was going to get into shit for it.

"Good because Cyrus and I are back from our vacation and we would love to have dinner with you and Charles. I also want to know all about my grand child to be" she exclaimed.

My stomach sank, Grandchild to be. My eyes started to swell with tears for the millionth time today; the last pregnancy was the only one my mother was aware of. Since we failed a few times before that we didn't want to let her know until we were certain that this was _____the_ child. So much for_____ that. _

"Sure, I better get ready then. Text me the details" with that I hung up. I looked at myself in the mirror; my chestnut colored hair was still wet and clung to my face. My lips were blue from the frosting and my eyes red from crying , I started to chant my little mantra in my head "I'm Blair Waldorf and I'm _fabulous_" as I began to wash my face and put on my makeup. Now how the hell was I going to explain everything to my mother?


	5. Why is this happening to me ?

Just a little note , I based Aaron off of book Aaron . I did this because I hated show Aaron :P . Anyway , Hope you enjoy.

* * *

Mother had texted me the details, she wanted to meet up at Silverleaf Tavern. I figured she picked it because it's the place that Chuck and I announced our engagement to Cyrus and her , I sent a text back saying I was on my way but truthfully I wasn't even dressed yet . I went upstairs and quickly pulled on some jeans, a black tee-shirt and a blazer and slid on some flats.

Once I got outside it took only a matter of seconds for me to flag down a taxi. This made me a little uneasy seeing as the faster I got there, the faster I was to telling my mother that I had lost my baby and disappointing her. On the plus side, this is the only child she knows about so she won't have to know how much I've actually failed. "Why is this happening to me?" I thought as I ran my fingers through my hair. Suddenly "I belong to you" by Muse started blaring from my purse, I then clued into that it was my phone. I pulled it out of my purse and paused, it was Chuck. Taking in a deep breath, I pressed TALK.

"Hello Chuck" I said trying to sound a lot more confident than I felt.

"Hey Sweetheart, I love you, how are you?" he responded in his raspy drunk voice but somehow it sounded happy.

"Ugh Chuck, you're drunk. I'm horrible but I don't except you to even remember our blow out this morning and why the hell do you sound so happy?" I huffed as the taxi driver pulled up beside the restaurant. I gave the driver a 50 and told him to keep the change.

"That's because I am happy and of course I remember this morning but don't worry, I fixed it".

"What do you mean fixed it?" I questioned while opening the door to the Silverleaf, the smell of expensive wine filling my lungs.

"Promise you won't get mad?" he asked.

"What did you do Chuck!" I exclaimed, my voice filled with both anger and concern.

"I –I got a vasectomy. Before you go screaming look at it this way, we won't have to be disappointed again" he pleaded, I could tell he was nervous but I couldn't say anything. My heart stopped and my head started to spin. I dropped my phone , I could hear Chuck saying my name , waiting for a response but once again I couldn't say anything . I then felt somebody's hand on my shoulder and I turned around. It was Aaron, his hair was tied back and he was holding my phone.

"I think you dropped something sis" he said while shoving the phone into my hand. I nodded, I could still hear Chuck calling my name but I hung up anyway. Aaron pointed towards the table that our family was sitting at and began to walk towards it. He turned around and gave me a little push when he realized I wasn't following him. I started to walk towards the table, stunned and shocked to see Aaron here. For some reason I never thought that my mother and Cyrus might've actually wanted to see Aaron and his family too. I definitely wasn't going to tell my mother about my miscarriage now, not with Aaron, his wife and their daughter here.

Before I sat down Aaron gave me a quick hug, he smelled like his all natural cigarettes that he smokes and that I can't stand. When I sat down at the table I quickly realized that Aaron's family wasn't the only people that were here that I hadn't expected. Serena was sitting across from me. "Mother, you didn't tell me so many people were going to be here." I said but then I quickly added "I would have dressed a little better" so that I wouldn't seem too mother stood up and gestured for me to stand up.

" Now don't be silly Blair , you look fine" she said giving me a hug and patting my once pregnant belly as she backed out and sat back down. "Such a cute baby bump, Blair" she declared oblivious to the fact that I was basically just fat now. I calmed myself down and sat back in my chair.

"Where's Charles?" asked Cyrus as the waitress took everybody's drink orders. I noted that Serena ordered water; this shocked me because they made the best blood orange martinis here and they're her favorite.

"Oh. He's um busy with work, you know how it is, he sends his best though" I said while forcing what some might call a smile on my face. I looked across the table at Serena. "Serena, how come you didn't order a blood orange martini?" I asked her, hoping that Cyrus would drop the topic of Chuck. I wasn't going to make it through this dinner if I kept thinking about him.

"Well, there's something I need to tell you" she glanced over at my mother as if for reassurance. "I'm pregnant!, isn't it great ?." Everyone at the table stood up and clapped , was I the only one that didn't know about this because I seemed to be the only one sporting a "what the hell" look on their face. Serena's laughter filled my ears. "Now when we go shopping for baby things we will need to buy two!" she joked and everyone laughed, well everyone besides me. My whole body felt numb and my heart was aching .I couldn't believe this was happening to me.


End file.
